the Specktator

7 most bizarre Jaguars items you can buy on Etsy


Move those chains, people: It’s officially football season.

If you’re any kind of Jags fan, you have your game day gear—jerseys, hats, T-shirts, teal face paint … And if you’re a super fan, you probably have Jags merch all over your house.

But I am willing to bet you one overpriced stadium hot dog, you don’t have any of these gems I found on Etsy.

5. Dammit Doll

Item details (edited for clarity): For those game days when nothing goes right and you want to hit the wall, your Dammit Doll is always on call. It is soft, fabric doll filled with polyester stuffing and measures approx 8″ tall and 6 inches wide. [It’s] the perfect accessory for relieving your stress during Football games, taking out your frustrations and sharing a laugh with friends, family and colleagues.

Price: $12 plus shipping

FYI, the item is tagged on Etsy as a voodoo doll. 😳

4. Baby hat

Item details: Handmade baby hat made of cotton with embroidered logo on back. Recommended 6+ months. Ships from Thailand.

Price: $8.92 (marked down from $14.87!) plus shipping

Perfect for parents who want their baby to look like a Conehead with antlers. Seriously, WTF?

3. Cork Dork

Item details: Our fun Corkdork Toppers fit almost all wine and beer bottles! The custom-made cork dimensions graduate from slim to large, finishing with an adorable and expressive Corkdork outfitted with your favorite team’s helmet!

Price: $15 (free shipping)

I wonder how many bottles of wine “teaseshiirts” consumed when they came up with this creepy piece of junk.

2. Eye patch

Item description: Adult unisex handmade Jacksonville Jaguars eye patch. Excellent as a vision aid or as a fashion statement. One size fits all and ideal for either eye.

Price: $13.95 plus shipping

Is there actually market for this? How many one-eyed Jaguars fans—or people who wear eye patches as a “fashion statement”—could there possibly be? And judging from the jacked up placement of the logo, I’d guess “JuLLuJ” wears an eye patch herself.

1. Guinea pig sweater and hat

Item description: Crocheted guinea pig sweater and matching hat in Black Gold and white yarn and Jaguars logo Patch. It is designed to fit guinea pigs from 8 to 10 inches long. Velcro closure. The model is a life size 8″ Hansa guinea pig.

Price: $19.95 plus shipping

SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.

Who dresses their guinea pig? Who even has a guinea pig? Can someone teach “Fancihorse” how to crop a photo? What’s with the remote control? And is that blood?

Honorable mentions

The Rave Bra Set which comes adorned with “over 200 diamonds.” 🧐 A steal at only $100.

If it weren’t for the ribbons, I would have no idea these were Jags shoes. Are those croissants painted on the shoe? Or bagels with cream cheese? I wouldn’t wear these for free let alone pay $50 for them. Plus shipping.

Leonard Fournette earrings. I’ll be honest: I would totally wear some Myles Jack earrings especially for only 10 bucks.

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